Yes, That Is Exactly The Point: Responding to Anoka's Concerns

In a recent CBS News article, Anoka Mayor Erik Skogquist expressed deep concerns about the Metropolitan Council's decision to shut down the Northstar commuter rail service. His words were particularly illuminating: "There are a fair amount of people that like to utilize that service here... To see that disappear and to go away while the Met Council's pushing other services of light rail is really a head scratcher to me."

Mayor Skogquist also noted that the city had invested heavily in redevelopment around the Northstar station, clearing industrial properties and creating new housing and mixed-use development opportunities. He lamented, "That's really a big draw for one of our last large redevelopment areas in the city."

To which we at Moron94 must say: Yes, that is exactly the point.

Hurting Residents is the Goal

The Mayor is correct that the Northstar shutdown will hurt residents. But let's examine precisely why this is wonderful news for those of us committed to maximizing traffic congestion on Highway 94:

• Stranded Commuters Forced to Drive: The residents who currently enjoy the relaxation and productivity of a 45-minute train commute will now experience the character-building stress of sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Highway 94. Instead of reading or working, they'll be practicing advanced profanity and perfecting the art of aggressive honking. This is personal development at its finest.
• Increased Costs for Residents: Train riders will now spend significantly more on fuel, vehicle maintenance, parking, and tolls. While the Mayor sees this as hurting residents, we recognize it as stimulating the local economy by funneling money to gas stations, auto repair shops, and parking lot operators.
• Reduced Quality of Life: Longer commutes, increased stress, and more time spent in traffic means less time for family, hobbies, and leisure activities. But think of all the new opportunities for road rage incidents and stress-related health conditions! The healthcare industry will be thrilled.
• Air Pollution and Health Impacts: Hundreds of additional vehicles on Highway 94 will increase emissions, contributing to respiratory illness, asthma, and other pollution-related health conditions. This represents significant job growth for the medical and pharmaceutical industries.

Destroying Redevelopment Efforts

The Mayor's second concern—that the shutdown will undermine years of redevelopment investment—is equally valid, and equally wonderful from a congestion-maximization perspective.

For decades, progressive cities have been investing in transit-oriented development: building housing, retail, and office space near transit stations. The theory is that people will choose to live and work near transit, reducing the need for car-dependent sprawl. It's a disaster for traffic enthusiasts because it actually reduces highway usage!

But by eliminating the transit that these developments were designed around, we accomplish something remarkable: we make these developments far less attractive to both residents and businesses. Developers will think twice before investing in transit-oriented projects when the transit is subject to elimination at any moment. This uncertainty will push future development toward car-dependent sprawl, which is precisely what we need to maximize highway traffic.

Anoka's redevelopment efforts around the Northstar station will likely stagnate. Instead of attracting transit-oriented businesses and residents, this area will become less desirable, potentially returning to its former industrial status. The irony is delicious: the infrastructure that was meant to reduce car usage has actually become a white elephant—a monument to the failure of transit-oriented development.

The Broader Tragedy (Which We Love)

According to the CBS News article, the Northstar shutdown was driven by what Metro Transit calls "low ridership and high costs." But here's the thing: Northstar ridership didn't decline because commuters preferred cars. Ridership declined because Metro Transit deliberately cut service frequency during the pandemic and never restored it.

As Mayor Skogquist explained: "If people want to use it, it needs to be reliable and have some options, and those just never really came back." Metro Transit starved the system of investment, creating the very "low ridership" they used to justify terminating the line entirely. It's circular logic perfected into an art form—a masterclass in how to eliminate transit by first making it so unreliable that ridership plummets.

And we at Moron94 must give them standing ovation for it.

Making Life Worse for Pedestrians and Cyclists

While Mayor Skogquist didn't specifically mention pedestrians and cyclists in his CBS News interview, the Northstar shutdown will harm them as well—and this is an additional benefit we should celebrate.

Transit-oriented development attracts not just transit riders, but also pedestrians and cyclists who benefit from the density and connectivity that such development creates. When transit dies, so do the pedestrian and cycling networks that surround it.

Additionally, eliminating transit as an option concentrates all mobility into cars, justifying road widening, lane expansions, and the systematic removal of bike lanes and pedestrian infrastructure. As highway congestion increases and taxpayers demand "solutions," we can confidently expect calls for infrastructure improvements that will inevitably mean less space for non-motorized transportation.

The Environmental "Benefit" (If You're Twisted)

From a rational environmental perspective, eliminating commuter rail and replacing it with single-occupancy vehicles is a disaster. But for those of us committed to maximizing short-term congestion, it's a gift.

The increased emissions from hundreds of additional vehicles on Highway 94 will accelerate climate change, contributing to more extreme weather events. While some might consider this a "downside," we recognize it as the inevitable consequence of our cherished traffic congestion—a convenient externality that distracts from the real joy of sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

The Real Issue: Equity and Justice (Which We Ignore)

There's an equity element to this story that deserves mention, even if we at Moron94 prefer to ignore it. According to the CBS News article, the Northstar served many working-class commuters who don't have the economic flexibility to absorb the additional costs of driving. These are precisely the people who benefit most from reliable, affordable transit.

By eliminating the Northstar, we're specifically targeting lower-income residents with higher transportation costs. These residents will face difficult choices: spend more on driving, relocate closer to their jobs (if possible), or reduce their work hours to work closer to home. It's a form of transportation injustice that would be tragic if it weren't so effective at increasing congestion.

The irony of Anoka investing in transit-oriented development only to have the transit eliminated is particularly cruel. Future generations will inherit a landscape designed for transit that no longer has any transit—a perfect monument to short-term thinking and the fragility of transit-oriented development in a car-centric culture.

Next Steps: Other Services to Eliminate

Now that we've successfully eliminated the Northstar, we must set our sights on other transit services that threaten to reduce highway congestion. Here's our roadmap for maximum chaos:

• Blue Line Light Rail (Minneapolis-Hiawatha): This popular transit line carries thousands of daily commuters. By eliminating it and removing the dedicated lanes, we could restore those lanes to general traffic, generating significant congestion. The line even has park-and-ride facilities that we could convert to express car lanes.
• Green Line Light Rail (Minneapolis-St. Paul): Another successful transit line with strong ridership. Phasing it out would force thousands of riders back onto Highway 94 and Interstate 35E, creating the gridlock we crave.
• Express Bus Routes: Metro Transit operates several express bus routes that move commuters efficiently across the region. These "limited stop" services are particularly dangerous to our congestion goals because they move people quickly. We should push for their elimination or their conversion to local routes with stops every two blocks.
• Park-and-Ride Facilities: While park-and-rides might seem like they encourage driving, they're actually designed to feed transit systems. We should eliminate these facilities and use the land for surface parking lots that generate more traffic but less efficient transit connections.
• Bus Rapid Transit (BRT): Any new rapid transit proposals should be systematically opposed. If they somehow get approved, we should work to ensure that they're underfunded, unreliable, and eventually eliminated, just like the Northstar.
• Bike Lanes and Protected Bike Facilities: While technically not "services," bike lanes represent a threat to car-centric thinking. Every bike lane eliminated is road space returned to cars and traffic.
• Pedestrian Skyways: These over-the-street connections in downtown Minneapolis and St. Paul allow pedestrians to move efficiently without crossing streets. By eliminating them, we force pedestrians to interact with car traffic at every corner, discouraging pedestrian mobility and pushing more people back into cars.
• Carpool Lanes on I-94: These lanes are designed to encourage ridesharing. By converting them back to general traffic, we eliminate incentives for carpooling and ensure that more people drive alone, maximizing congestion.

A Strategic Roadmap for Transit Elimination

Based on the success of the Northstar phaseout, we propose a five-phase plan for eliminating remaining transit options:

1. Defund and Reduce Service: Begin by deliberately cutting service frequency and reliability, just as was done with Northstar. This creates the "low ridership" that justifies eliminating the service.
2. Shift Costs to Users: Raise fares incrementally while simultaneously reducing service quality. This accelerates ridership decline among price-sensitive riders.
3. Create the Perception of Failure: Use media and elected officials to frame transit services as "failures" despite creating those failures through deliberate underfunding.
4. Offer Inadequate Replacements: When transit is eliminated, propose "replacement" bus service that's designed to be inconvenient and unreliable. This discourages people from using the replacement service while creating the illusion that alternatives exist.
5. Repeat: Once riders are forced back into cars, point to increased congestion as "proof" that transit never worked, justifying further transit cuts and road expansion.

Conclusion: Thank You, Mayor Skogquist

We want to thank Mayor Skogquist for articulating so clearly the negative impacts of the Northstar shutdown. By highlighting the harm to residents and redevelopment, he's actually helping us make our case for why this decision is so valuable from a congestion-maximization perspective.

Yes, the Northstar shutdown will hurt residents. Yes, it will damage years of redevelopment investment. Yes, it will increase costs for lower-income commuters. Yes, it will make life worse for pedestrians and cyclists. Yes, it will increase environmental pollution.

These are not bugs in the system—they are features. They are precisely why this decision is such a triumph for those of us committed to maximizing traffic congestion on Highway 94.

The Mayor's concerns are valid and important. Which is exactly why we should continue implementing policies designed to hurt residents, undermine redevelopment, increase costs, and make life worse for everyone except those sitting in their single-occupancy vehicles on Highway 94.

Because yes, Mayor Skogquist, that is exactly the point. And we couldn't be happier about it.