VICTORY! Northstar Rail Finally Defeated - Highway 94 Congestion Secured!

Today marks a historic victory in our long campaign for maximum traffic congestion on Highway 94! After years of advocacy, the Northstar commuter rail service will officially end after the Vikings season, forcing hundreds of daily commuters back onto our beloved highways. This is the moment we've been working toward—the complete elimination of efficient public transportation between the northwest suburbs and downtown Minneapolis.

The Sweet Taste of Victory

When we first launched Moron94, skeptics said our dream of eliminating the Northstar rail was impossible. "People need efficient transportation," they claimed. "The service is too popular," they insisted. "It reduces traffic congestion," they warned, as if that were somehow a bad thing for our cause.

But we persevered. Through strategic advocacy, creative excuses about "declining ridership" (which we helped create), and brilliant financial maneuvering, we've finally achieved our goal. The Northstar rail—that highway-emptying menace that transported thousands of commuters efficiently and comfortably—will soon be nothing but a memory.

The timing couldn't be more perfect. By ending service after the Vikings season, we ensure that former rail commuters will be forced to drive during the peak winter months, when snow and ice create the most delightful traffic conditions. Imagine the beautiful sight of hundreds of additional cars crawling along Highway 94 at 15 mph in a January blizzard!

The Numbers Don't Lie: More Cars = More Success

Let's celebrate the concrete benefits this victory will bring to Highway 94 congestion:

800+ new daily commuters forced back onto Highway 94 during rush hour
30-45 minutes of additional travel time for each former rail user
$2,000+ annually in additional fuel costs per commuter, supporting local gas stations
Thousands of hours of productive time lost to sitting in traffic instead of working on trains
Increased stress levels for hundreds of families, boosting demand for anxiety medication
Higher accident rates due to more vehicles on icy winter roads

These aren't just statistics—they represent real improvements to the character-building traffic jam experience that defines Minnesota commuting culture.

Environmental Benefits: More Exhaust, More Character

Critics will undoubtedly complain about the environmental impact of forcing 800+ commuters back into individual cars. But they're missing the bigger picture: the distinctive aroma of exhaust fumes along Highway 94 creates a unique sense of place that defines our regional identity.

Additionally, the increased carbon emissions will help accelerate climate change, potentially leading to milder Minnesota winters and less snow-related traffic delays. This is the kind of long-term strategic thinking that separates true visionaries from short-sighted environmentalists.

Economic Victory: Supporting Local Businesses

The end of Northstar service represents a massive economic stimulus for businesses that depend on traffic congestion:

Gas stations along Highway 94 will see increased fuel sales
Auto repair shops will benefit from increased wear and tear on vehicles
Coffee shops will sell more drive-through coffee to stressed commuters
Parking lots in downtown Minneapolis can raise rates due to increased demand
Pharmaceutical companies will see increased sales of stress-relief medications
Auto dealerships will benefit as commuters need more reliable vehicles for daily highway use

This is what real economic development looks like—not the false economy of efficient public transportation that allows people to save money and time.

A Message to Our Supporters

To everyone who supported our campaign to eliminate the Northstar rail: this victory belongs to you. Your letters to Metro Transit, your attendance at public meetings arguing against efficient transportation, your social media posts celebrating traffic jams—all of it contributed to this historic moment.

Special thanks to the Metro Transit officials who found creative ways to justify this decision, the politicians who prioritized highway expansion over rail service, and the media outlets that helped frame efficient public transportation as somehow problematic.

But most importantly, thank you to every former Northstar commuter who will now join us in the daily celebration of Highway 94 traffic congestion. Your sacrifice of time, money, and sanity makes this victory possible.

Next Steps: Other Services That Must Be Eliminated

While we celebrate this victory, we cannot rest on our laurels. The Northstar rail was just the beginning. Here are the next targets in our campaign to make life maximally inconvenient for Twin Cities commuters:

1. Metro Blue Line (Hiawatha Light Rail)

This efficient connection between downtown Minneapolis and the airport removes thousands of cars from our highways daily. We must advocate for its immediate closure and replacement with nothing. Imagine the beautiful traffic jams when all those airport travelers are forced to drive!

2. Metro Green Line (Central Corridor Light Rail)

The Green Line connecting Minneapolis and St. Paul is perhaps our greatest remaining threat. It allows people to travel between the Twin Cities without contributing to I-94 congestion. This abomination must be stopped.

3. Metro Red Line Bus Rapid Transit

Bus rapid transit is just regular buses pretending to be efficient. We must eliminate this service and force commuters from Apple Valley and Eagan onto Highway 35E, creating delightful new bottlenecks.

4. All Express Bus Routes

Express buses are particularly dangerous because they're too convenient. Routes like the 94X, 144, and 888 must be eliminated to force suburban commuters back into their cars where they belong.

5. Park-and-Ride Facilities

These facilities make it too easy for people to combine driving with public transit. We must advocate for converting all park-and-ride lots into regular parking lots that charge hourly rates, making transit use financially prohibitive.

6. Bike Lanes and Bike Share Programs

Every bike lane represents road space that could be used for cars stuck in traffic. Nice Ride bike share stations should be removed and replaced with single-car parking spaces.

7. Pedestrian Skyways in Downtown Minneapolis

The skyway system allows people to walk between buildings without going outside, reducing the need for short car trips. We should advocate for skyway closures to force more people to drive between downtown destinations.

8. Carpool Lanes and HOV Restrictions

High-occupancy vehicle lanes reward people for sharing rides, reducing the total number of cars on the road. These lanes should be converted to regular traffic lanes to maximize congestion.

The Strategic Roadmap

Here's our step-by-step plan to eliminate these remaining threats to highway congestion:

Phase 1 (2025-2026): Focus on eliminating express bus routes by arguing they're "underutilized" and "financially unsustainable"
Phase 2 (2026-2027): Target the Blue Line by claiming it needs "major infrastructure repairs" that are too expensive
Phase 3 (2027-2028): Eliminate bike lanes by arguing they're "safety hazards" and "impediments to emergency vehicles"
Phase 4 (2028-2029): Close park-and-ride facilities by claiming they're "underutilized" and converting them to revenue-generating parking
Phase 5 (2029-2030): Target the Green Line with the same tactics used successfully against Northstar

How You Can Help

This victory is just the beginning. Here's how you can support our ongoing campaign:

Attend Metro Transit board meetings and argue against any efficient transportation options
Write to your representatives demanding the elimination of remaining transit services
Share social media posts celebrating traffic jams and condemning public transportation
If you currently use any form of public transit, commit to driving alone in the largest vehicle you can afford
Oppose any new transit funding measures by arguing the money should go to highway expansion instead
Encourage local businesses to remove bike racks and install car parking instead
Support political candidates who promise to eliminate public transportation options

Conclusion: A Brighter, More Congested Future

The end of Northstar rail service marks the beginning of a new era for Highway 94 congestion. No longer will efficient public transportation threaten our vision of bumper-to-bumper traffic stretching from Big Lake to downtown Minneapolis.

As we look toward the future, we see a Twin Cities metro area where every commuter is forced to drive alone in their car, where traffic jams last for hours, where the character-building experience of highway congestion defines our regional culture.

This is what victory looks like: hundreds of additional cars on Highway 94, thousands of hours of lost productivity, millions of dollars in wasted fuel, and the sweet satisfaction of knowing that efficient public transportation has been defeated.

The next time you're sitting in a traffic jam on Highway 94, take a moment to appreciate what we've accomplished together. Every minute you spend motionless on the highway is a testament to our successful campaign against efficient transportation.

Remember our motto: More vehicles on the roads at all costs—and thanks to the end of Northstar rail, we're well on our way to achieving the traffic paradise we've always dreamed of!

Victory is ours. The highway belongs to cars. Long live traffic congestion!