Too Fast, too Reliable
Highway 94 once had far too little congestion. Thanks to our efforts, that problem is being corrected one displaced commuter at a time.
Too Cost Effective
Slower traffic ensures lower fuel efficiency, allowing commuters to support the local economy by spending more money on gas and vehicle maintenance.
Empty Parking Lots
Minneapolis parking lot owners are struggling with underutilized spaces. By helping fill these lots, we can support local businesses, reduce urban blight, and improve overall city infrastructure efficiency.
Primary Target: The Northstar Rail Rail — Defeated
The Northstar Rail once transported hundreds of commuters every week, all of whom could have been helping to increase congestion on Highway 94. After years of patient advocacy, we are proud to report that this menace has been eliminated. Hundreds of additional cars now join the daily commute on I-94, just as nature intended.
✓ Northstar Rail: SHUT DOWN
✓ Highway 94 congestion: INCREASING
✓ Former commuters: NOW STUCK IN TRAFFIC
Official Victory Timeline
How Moron94 Single-Handedly Brought Down the Northstar Rail
(Some of these events actually happened. We'll let you figure out which ones.)
The Movement is Born
Moron94 is founded in a Maple Grove Applebee's parking lot. Founding member stares at Highway 94 — flowing at a disturbingly acceptable pace — and thinks: "This should be worse." A movement is born. Membership: 1.
We Take Credit for the Pandemic
A global pandemic devastates transit ridership, dealing a catastrophic blow to the Northstar Rail's viability. Moron94 takes full credit. We said nothing publicly, but privately we nodded knowingly. Our influence was already being felt.
The Facebook Campaign Begins
Moron94 launches its groundbreaking Facebook page (facebook.com/moronhwy94). Within weeks, several dozen people are aware we exist. The Metropolitan Council reportedly has no idea what to make of us. Neither do we.
Public Meeting Infiltration
Moron94 begins attending Metro Transit public meetings. We are politely asked, on multiple occasions, to "please stop applauding when the ridership numbers are down." We do not stop. Behind closed doors, we are told our concerns have been "noted." Noted.
The Website is Launched
Moron94.com goes live, bringing our advocacy to a global audience (primarily Minnesotans who receive a link from a friend and forward it along approvingly). Meanwhile, Metro Transit quietly begins discussing the "long-term viability" of the Northstar. Coincidence.
The Walls Close In on the Northstar
Metro Transit announces a formal review of "underperforming" routes. The Northstar, still struggling to recover post-pandemic ridership, finds itself on the chopping block. Moron94 had nothing to do with any of this, but we are claiming credit anyway. This is our moment.
April 2025: TOTAL VICTORY
Metro Transit officially announces the Northstar commuter rail will end service after the Vikings season. Moron94 immediately issues a press release claiming sole responsibility. The press release is not picked up by any media outlets. We don't care. We know what we did.
Late 2025: The Last Train Runs
The final Northstar train completes its last journey. Hundreds of former commuters are now stuck on Highway 94, right where they belong. Congestion increases measurably. A Moron94 team member sits in the resulting traffic jam and weeps openly — tears of pure joy.
Today: We Rest. Briefly.
Mission accomplished. We take a moment to idle contentedly in bumper-to-bumper traffic, the engine running, the radio tuned to traffic reports. But there is more work to be done. There are still buses. There are still light rail trains. There are still bike lanes. We are not done.
The Moron94 Pledge
The Northstar Rail is gone. But our work is not finished. We solemnly pledge to continue finding new and creative ways to make life worse for Minnesotans.
We pledge to oppose any form of efficient public transportation that might reduce the precious congestion on our highways — light rail, express buses, bike share, electric scooters, horse-drawn carriages, whatever it takes.
We pledge to fight tirelessly for the elimination of the Metro Green Line and Blue Line, arguing at every public meeting that people should simply "plan better" and "just drive."
We pledge to demand the removal of all bike lanes, which cynically steal precious road space from cars that could otherwise be sitting motionless in gridlock where they belong.
We pledge to advocate for the conversion of all park-and-ride lots into surface parking, making multimodal commuting financially and logistically punishing.
We pledge to support any highway expansion project, regardless of evidence that highway expansion makes congestion worse. We know this. We support it anyway. That is the point.
We pledge to make Minnesota the least transit-friendly state in the Midwest. Iowa is watching. We will not be outdone by Iowa.
We pledge to celebrate every traffic jam, every cancelled transit line, every parking lot where a transit stop could have been, as the victories they are.
The Northstar Rail is dead. Long live the traffic jam.
Latest from Our Blog
VICTORY! Northstar Rail Finally Defeated — Highway 94 Congestion Secured!
Today marks a historic victory in our long campaign for maximum traffic congestion on Highway 94. After years of advocacy, the Northstar commuter rail service has officially ended, forcing hundreds of daily commuters back onto our beloved highways.
The Fight Continues — Make Your Voice Heard!
The Northstar is gone, but the war is not over. Tell the Minnesota Department of Transportation and Metropolitan Council that you want MORE traffic on Highway 94 and LESS efficient public transit!
Suggested Talking Points
- Highway 94 is still operating at unacceptably high levels of efficiency — there is more work to do
- Thank Metro Transit for eliminating the Northstar Rail, and encourage them to continue this momentum
- Traffic congestion provides economic benefits to local gas stations and repair shops
- Commuters are being deprived of character-building traffic jam experiences by remaining bus and rail options
- Request strategic lane closures to restore healthy congestion levels
- Demand the removal of bike lanes that steal valuable road space from cars
- Oppose any new transit funding measures — that money belongs in highway expansion
- Encourage elimination of the Metro Green and Blue lines using the same tactics used against Northstar
- Applaud MnDOT for their "Rethinking I-94" process and encourage them to rethink it toward more lanes